


i can't help but pull the earth around me, to make my bed

by DeadlyNova



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: (not plot relevant in this one i just wanted you to know), Angst, Doctor Leorio Paladiknight, Hurt No Comfort, I am so sorry for any pain this fic may cause, M/M, Major Character Injury, Men Crying, Trans Kurapika, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25769263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadlyNova/pseuds/DeadlyNova
Summary: He watched Leorio. Watched as he mumbled unintelligible words in his sleep. Wondered, very briefly, if this was something he could get used to seeing. If he could abandon everything he'd worked so hard for just so he would no longer cause Leorio to worry.He wondered if he could abandon his revenge and the anger inside of him. He wondered if he could abandon his people, all for Leorio.He moved his hand up to his own cheek.He was crying.He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried. It had been so long, and he'd nearly robbed himself of the ability to feel.He hadn't felt anything in so long. And here was this man beside him, who felt far too strongly and far too much, making him feel something for a change.It hurt. It hurt so bad.
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 26
Kudos: 136





	i can't help but pull the earth around me, to make my bed

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'Ship to Wreck' by Florence + The Machine which has always SCREAMED Leopika to me.

He awoke in an unfamiliar room, on an unfamiliar couch, in an unfamiliar apartment. 

There was sunlight streaming into the room through open curtains. If he judged by the position of the shadows he'd guess it to be about midday. 

"Good morning, sunshine." 

Kurapika's eyes darted over to the source of the voice. 

Leorio. 

He looked tired. So, _so_ tired. His face wasn't stretched wide with the grin Kurapika had grown so accustomed to, nor was it pulled down in the exaggerated frown he'd also gotten so used to seeing. His voice, even, did not hold its usual tone. 

It only took Kurapika a moment to realize why. 

The events of the night before came flooding back to him. 

He wasn't supposed to be here. He was supposed to die last night. 

He had been gravely injured. He was bleeding out. He had accepted his fate. He had prayed to his ancestors. He had pretended he had no regrets. 

Then...Leorio was there. Holding him, crying, and begging him not to leave. 

He remembered nothing after that. 

"You lost a lot of blood last night. You shouldn't move too quickly." 

Leorio spoke with all the professionalism of a doctor, but with none of the familiarity of a friend. It was jarring, and so, so unlike him. 

He sounded empty. Broken. 

"Leorio..."

"I'll get you some water." 

Leorio left the room, leaving Kurapika alone with his thoughts. He stared after him, his mouth going dry. 

Leorio returned what seemed like seconds later with a glass of water. 

Kurapika stared at him as he held it out to him, making no move to take it. 

"Leorio, I-" 

"Take the water." 

Kurapika still made no move to take the cup. 

"Kurapika." 

"I-" 

"Take the goddamn cup, Kurapika!" 

Kurapika found himself flinching slightly at Leorio's raised voice. He hadn't been expecting him to shout like that. 

He only had a moment to take in the way Leorio's lip trembled before he was sobbing into his lap.

It seemed like he'd been teetering on the edge of a breakdown for hours now. 

Kurapika didn't know what to do. He wasn't one for comforting others, it had never been something he was very good at. He was very blunt the majority of the time, and that had never made his presence very comforting. On top of this was the fact that it was very clear he was the cause for Leorio's tears in the first place. 

A similar scene flashed into his mind. The Leorio from today wasn't covered in blood like the one from last night. He had clearly taken a shower after he'd brought Kurapika back from the brink of death.

_"What the hell, Kurapika?!"_

"What the hell, Kurapika?" The words were shaky and barely audible between his sobs, but they were the same ones from last night. Leave it to Leorio to be so brash in moments like this. "What's _wrong_ with you?"

"Would you like a list?" 

Leorio turned to him with a watery glare. 

Perhaps it wasn't the time for jokes, then. Kurapika placed a hand gently on Leorio's head and awkwardly stroked his hair. "I apologize..." 

"What's the point of apologizing if you're gonna go out there and nearly get killed again as soon as I let you leave?!" Leorio was yelling again, and Kurapika tried to ignore the way it made both his head and heart pound. "You're not actually sorry, you're just trying to please me!" 

"Well, I apologize for upsetting you, then. I am always fully prepared to face the consequences of my actions." 

"You mean you were prepared to _die_ last night..." 

"Precisely." Leorio was quiet other than light sniffling, so Kurapika continued. "I am always prepared to lose my life achieving my goals. I wouldn't have made such a specific nen contract otherwise. I have no regrets." 

He jumped a little when Leorio let out a growl. He found himself quite jumpy this morning. "You're so _damn selfish_."

"...Pardon?" 

Leorio was sitting up now, cross-legged on the floor, facing him. His face was red and tear splotched, but he looked _angry_. "You heard me! I said you're _selfish_!" He had a finger pointed in Kurapika's face, and it was very close. He had to fight his natural instinct to remove it from his proximity by force. "You were _dying in my arms_ , Kurapika!! I thought I was gonna lose you forever! Do you have _any idea_ how much that hurt?!" 

_"Please don't leave me..."_

"Again, I apologize for upsetting you, but I didn't plan for you to see me like that." 

"What, so you planned for me to just never find out?! To keep trying to get ahold of you until the phone finally stops ringing?! How is that any better???" 

"It would....make it less painful." 

"Yeah, for _you_!" Leorio's finger was even closer to his face now, and Kurapika pushed it aside. "Because then you don't have to face the fact that you're hurting the people who care about you! _Because you're selfish_!" 

"Leorio-" 

"Don't argue with me!" 

"I'm not-" 

"You're gonna spew some bullshit about how you appreciate me patching you up and then you're gonna try to leave!" Leorio was still yelling, still very clearly angry, but there were tears pouring down his cheeks. "I'm _not_ letting you push me away anymore, Kurapika! You can keep trying to push everyone else away all you want, but you're not pushing _me_ away! You're not the only one who's stubborn and bull-headed, you know!" 

Kurapika found himself gaping like a fish. 

Before he could say anything, Leorio continued, wiping his face on his shirt sleeve. "I'm sorry, but I'm not letting you get yourself killed. So unless you're willing to kill me to leave, you're staying right here."

Kurapika stared at him for a long time. "Why are you doing this?" 

He was pretty sure Leorio was looking at him like he was an idiot, but perhaps that was his imagination. 

"Because I care about you." 

"Why?" 

Leorio's eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean 'Why?'?"

"Why do you care about me? What have I done to earn that? I've only ever hurt you. And before that all I did was insult you." 

"Ha, you're right about that. Guess I'm a masochist or something." 

"Leorio, that's not what-" 

"I know, I know. I'm not as dumb as you act like I am." 

"I don't think you're dumb." 

"You don't?" 

"Of course not. I think you're highly intelligent." 

"Could have fooled me." Leorio was almost smiling at him. A little progress, at least. 

They sat in silence for a moment before Leorio seemed to remember that he was still holding that glass of water in his hand. "Here!" He held the glass to Kurapika again, and this time he took it. 

He hadn't realized how thirsty he'd been until he took that first sip of water. 

He nearly inhaled the glass. 

When he looked up again, Leorio was smiling at him. It wasn't big and bold like the ones he'd grown so fond of, but it was still Leorio's smile. God, he had missed that smile.

"I guess I should have gotten a bigger cup." 

"You can always go get more." 

"You're demanding, aren't you?" 

"You're the one insisting I drink water." 

Leorio sighed before standing and grabbing the cup from his hand. He left the room again to head into the kitchen. Kurapika listened to him fill the cup with water so that he didn't have to listen to his own thoughts. 

His brain was telling him to leave. He was sure he could do so quite easily, at least after he recovered a bit. His heart, however, was telling him to stay here and give himself a break. He wasn't quite sure which one to listen to.

He lifted up the bottom of the oversized t-shirt he was wearing(from Leorio's closet, he assumed, although he'd never seen the man wear a t-shirt before) to find bandages. 

It didn't really hurt right now, more like a dull ache. He wondered briefly why Leorio didn't take him to a hospital, but he trusted that Leorio was fully confident he could take care of the wound himself. He had probably also considered the fact that Kurapika did not like strangers poking and prodding at him, and would likely not take kindly to being in a hospital. Besides, it wasn't like Kurapika had gotten injured in the most legal of ways. 

How long had he been there before Leorio found him? How hadn't he died? He'd lost so much blood. The ground had been covered in it. _He_ had been covered in it. Even Leorio had been covered in it when he'd pulled him into his arms. 

It had felt like hours that he'd laid there, waiting to die. He had thought it was finally happening, that he'd finally be with his family again. With his people. With his parents. With Pairo. 

He hadn't finished his mission. He hadn't gotten every single pair of the eyes back. He hadn't wiped out the spiders. 

But in that moment, as he lay there bleeding, he found that he no longer cared. 

_"Kurapika!"_

"Kurapika." 

Kurapika's eyes snapped to Leorio's. 

"Here." 

Another glass of water was shoved in his face. He took it, drinking much more slowly this time. 

"After you finish that I think you should sleep. We can move you to the bed if you think that would be more comfortable." 

Kurapika briefly paused his drinking. "How did you find me?" 

By what miracle had Leorio stumbled upon him? Had someone told him he was there? Was it just a coincidence? 

"I was just passing by." 

Kurapika raised an eyebrow. 

"You weren't very far from my apartment." 

Ah, a coincidence then. He wasn't sure he fully believed it. 

"I see." 

They sat wordlessly for a moment while Kurapika finished his water. After the cup was emptied, Leorio spoke once more. 

"Well, did you want to go to the bed? It's not much, but it's more comfy than this old thing. I'm not even sure why I put you on the couch to-" 

"Yes." 

Kurapika felt bad when he imagined the fact that, if he took Leorio's bed, that he would have to try to squeeze his very tall frame onto this couch. 

But he was injured, and he figured that, because of this, Leorio would probably insist he take the bed in the end anyway. 

He set his glass on the side table and pushed back the blanket on top of him. As soon as he made the move to get up, however, Leorio stopped him. 

"Nuh-uh, I'm carrying you." 

"I can walk, Leorio." 

"Well you're not going to." 

"My legs are not injured." 

"That still doesn't mean you should be walking around right now." 

He made a move to stand up, pushing away Leorio's hands where they were hovering near him. "I'll be fine to-" 

"Just shut up and let me take care of you, okay?!" Leorio fixed him with a glare. "You're so goddamn _difficult_ , you know that, Kurapika?!" 

Kurapika found himself staring at him blankly once again. He was doing that a lot today. "Leorio..." 

"God, why are you like this?" 

"I'm...sorry?" 

"Yeah, you better be." Leorio seemed to get ahold of himself again, and he cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'm going to carry you. Don't argue with me, because I'm not gonna listen. You're injured and, _as a doctor_ , I'm saying you aren't walking." 

Kurapika sighed. He was too exhausted to argue, anyway. "Fine." 

"Okay. I'm picking you up now. Don't move too much." 

Kurapika stayed still as Leorio's arms slipped underneath his knees and behind his back. He moved so slowly that it felt like forever before he was actually holding him. 

Leorio held him so gently. It didn't jostle his injuries at all. 

His mind flashed back to last night again. He remembered fading in and out of consciousness as Leorio carried him in a similar way, but the Leorio in his memories was much more frantic as he nearly ran with him in his arms. 

Current Leorio walked slowly across the apartment to his bedroom with Kurapika's head pillowed on his shoulder. This Leorio was calm and stared ahead with an unreadable look in his eyes. 

"Leorio?"

"Yeah?"

Kurapika found he actually had no clue what he wanted to say. 

"...Nevermind." 

"Okay." 

Leorio set him down on the bed, ever so slowly, and ever so gently. He then pulled the blankets over him, and fluffed up his pillow, and Kurapika didn't think anyone had done that for him since he was a small child. 

He found himself drifting off wordlessly seconds later. 

When he awoke he discovered that Leorio was laying next to him. 

It didn't look like he'd planned to fall asleep there, more like he'd kind of just...passed out. He was on top of the covers, laying on his stomach, head not even on a pillow, and snoring loudly. Kurapika couldn't help the small smile that crept onto his face. At least he'd thought to remove his glasses before falling face first onto the bed.

He shifted a bit to get closer before gently pressing a hand to Leorio's cheek. His fingers smoothed over the skin. It was damp. He'd been crying again. 

Kurapika's heart sank. 

He'd done this. He'd hurt Leorio. Over and over again, and even more so last night when he'd nearly been killed. 

And he'd just accepted his death right away, too. He didn't even try to fight it. He'd completely lost his will to live the moment he'd found himself bleeding out on the street. 

He hadn't even thought about the fact that there were people who would miss him when he was gone. 

It had sounded so obvious when Leorio had said it earlier. 

_"Because then you don't have to face the fact that you're hurting the people who care about you! Because you're selfish!"_

He was selfish. So, so selfish. 

He'd tried so hard to push people away. He'd tried so hard to ignore the fact that there were people who cared if he lived or died. He'd spent years pretending that everyone who actually cared about him or loved him was long since dead. He'd tried to pretend that he didn't actually matter as much as he did to the friends he'd made along the way. It was easier that way. Easier to be selfish. Easier to be self-destructive. 

He would have a much easier time hurting himself if he pretended he wasn't hurting anyone else in the process. 

But Leorio had always been so hard to ignore. 

He was pushy, brash, loud, and so unapologetic about it. He'd call Kurapika day after day, leaving so many voicemails that Kurapika never found himself strong enough to listen to. 

He was always trying to find him, always trying to see if he was okay. He met up with him every chance he got, which, admittedly, was rare, as Kurapika tried his best to keep it that way. 

He didn't want to face the fact that Leorio cared so much about him. It hurt far too much. 

Leorio stirred in his sleep, and Kurapika pulled his hand away. 

"Ku...pika..." He turned his head, smashing his face even further into the mattress. Kurapika watched him curiously. 

Kurapika tried so hard to push everyone away, but here was this man who would not let him, no matter how hard he tried. 

And he didn't know how to handle it. 

He didn't know how to factor Leorio into his self destructive behavioral pattern. 

He didn't want to abandon his mission. But he didn't want to keep hurting Leorio, either. Or anyone else who valued his life way more than he did himself. 

It was so, _so_ difficult. 

He watched Leorio. Watched as he mumbled unintelligible words in his sleep. Wondered, very briefly, if this was something he could get used to seeing. If he could abandon everything he'd worked so hard for just so he would no longer cause Leorio to worry. 

He wondered if he could abandon his revenge and the anger inside of him. He wondered if he could abandon his people, all for Leorio. 

He moved his hand up to his own cheek. 

He was crying. 

He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried. It had been so long, and he'd nearly robbed himself of the ability to feel. 

He hadn't felt anything in so long. And here was this man beside him, who felt far too strongly and far too much, making him feel something for a change. 

It hurt. It hurt so bad. 

He was openly sobbing now, into his hands. He was surprised Leorio didn't hear him, but he'd always been a deep sleeper. 

"Leorio...I'm so sorry, Leorio." He spoke quietly, his voice hitching. "I don't know what to do..." 

Leorio didn't say anything, didn't awaken, but he turned his head back towards Kurapika. 

Kurapika watched him out of the corner of his eye. 

He had to leave. 

He needed to leave right now. 

It was his only option. 

He couldn't abandon everything he'd worked so hard for. He couldn't abandon his revenge and the anger inside of him. He couldn't abandon his people.

Because then what was all this _for_? What had he thrown his life away for? What had he caused all this pain for? What had he _nearly died_ for, time and time again? What had he broken Leorio's heart for? What had he pushed him away for? What was _anything for_?!

He slipped out of the bed quietly, ignoring the pain in his abdomen, and ignoring the swirling in his brain. His clothing from last night had probably been in tatters, and Leorio had probably thrown it out. So what he was wearing now would have to do. 

He managed to find his shoes, at least. He slipped them on as best he could, as he was unable to really bend over. He knew he was in no shape to leave, to be on his own right now. He didn't care. 

It was much harder to be here and face the reality of the life he'd created for himself, the life he'd destroyed. 

He found himself standing at the side of the bed again. 

He ignored the pain in his stomach and the pain in his heart as he bent down to give Leorio a kiss on the forehead. 

"I'm sorry, Leorio. I love you." 

_"Kurapika, don't leave me...I love you, I love you so much...please don't leave me..."_

He quietly shut the front door. 

**Author's Note:**

> please comment if you liked! <3
> 
> tumblr: kirishimasmom


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